Tenants of the Heart
by Jaeger Gipsy Danger
Summary: A what if story, which begins after the episode "Requiem for Methuselah" when Kirk awakens abruptly to find Spock initiating a mind meld with him...


Tenants of the Heart, by Carleen

Originally published in As I Do Thee, Issue 19, 1992. MKASHEF Enterprises.

AN: Yeah, twenty years ago, back when these stories were published in spiral bound books. Please take a moment and read the sonnet before you go on with the story. It'll make your English teacher smile and your author happy.

* * *

"Mine eye and heart are at a mortal war,

How to divide the conquest of thy sight;

Mine eye my heart they picture's sight would bar,

My heart mine eye the freedom of that right

My heart doth plead that thou in him dost lie,

(A closet never pierc'd with crystal eyes,)

But the defendant doth that plea deny,

And says in him they fair appearance lies.

To 'cide this title is impaneled

A quest of thoughts, all tenants to the heart;

And by their verdict is determined

The clear eye's moiety, and the dear heart's part:

As thus; mine eye's due is thine outward part,

And my heart's right thine inward love of heart."

William Shakespeare, _Sonnet 46 _

* * *

Captain Kirk leaped from his desk chair. He had fallen asleep at his desk, and now he swayed on his feet as he fought to awaken. Through a blaze of pain Kirk saw his first officer standing next to him and knew at once what had been done.

"Spock! What the hell are you doing?" he asked, placing a hand on his cheek. The abrupt physical severance of the link with Spock and Kirk's negative emotional reaction, held the two men in a vise of pain and confusion. Light headed and nauseated, Kirk gripped the edge of his desk to steady himself. The captain of the Enterprise watched his first officer and waited for an explanation.

Spock dropped his hand, his face a mask of control. Slowly, the Vulcan reached out to Kirk. His voice rasped with pain, "Jim allow me to withdraw from your mind. I won't attempt to go further with the meld. I only meant to... You must allow me to touch you again."

"No! I don't need that," he said, gesturing to the Vulcan's hands. But the ache in Kirk's head was growing. Dizziness weighed him down and he sank into his chair. "I don't need anyone and I especially don't need a Vulcan nursemaid!"

Spock watched him scrub his face with his hands. Silence filled the room as he waited quietly while Kirk battled with his inner agonies. The Vulcan's mind flamed with the pain of its ravaged nerve endings. He did not yet understand Kirk's defensiveness. But the aborted meld had to be dealt with soon.

Spock had lowered his carefully tended shields to offer his captain relief from the grief and confusion caused by Ryana's death. He understood him well enough to know that Kirk would be tormented by what had occurred in Mister Flint's home. He had thought he could help ease Kirk's pain. But now he knew he'd made an error in judgment.

Spock stepped closer to his captain's side. When he showed no signs of protest the Vulcan leaned toward Kirk, reaching out to re-establish the meld. Until he saw a tear splash on Kirk's clenched hands. The Vulcan abruptly ceased his attempts to disconnect his mind from the human. He discovered that he could not stop his all too human heart from opening in response to Kirk's needs. Without a word, Spock raised that stubborn chin with his hand. Long, sensitive fingers bushed the tears away. This is not weakness, Jim. Only fatigue. You will find peace.

Once Spock had reestablished physical contact, he concluded the mind meld. To avoided causing more pain, Spock eased himself slowly from the human's mind. Until finally each was a separate entity again. The two men studied each other from a space of a few inches. More tears fell on to Spock's hand as the human swallowed heavily. He felt helpless in the grip of those hazel eyes. When his human half failed to supply him with words of comfort for his friend, the pain of helplessness caught in his chest. With that pain came the knowledge that he was inadequate to the task of offering aid to his captain.

Under his hand, Spock felt the jaw harden and the tears began to dry on the flushed cheeks.

"Get out of my quarters."

Spock showed no sign of reaction to Kirk's rebuff. He simply dropped his hands and after a moment, brought himself to attention.

"Sir, I regret any discomfort which I may have caused you." Without another word Spock executed a precise about face and marched from the room. After the door slid closed behind his first officer, Kirk continued to stare at the space where the Vulcan had been standing.

"Spock, wait." Kirk said. Those sensitive ears could hear him calling. But the door failed to reopen and the silence grew until Kirk could no longer sit still. He pulled off his uniform shirt and tossed it carelessly toward the laundry receptacle. Impatiently, Kirk yanked open a drawer and pulled out an exercise tunic. He dressed and quickly headed for the gym.

An hour later, a calmer but weary Kirk headed for the showers. Stepping inside a cubicle he programmed a real water shower for himself - after all, rank did have its privileges. The steaming hot water pounded his skin. As his body responded to fatigue, reality bloomed abruptly in his mind. He could no longer summon the veneer of the role of liberator with which he had lusted after Rayna. What possible reason could have to justify fighting with a lonely old man who had created an android lover for himself to fill up the long years of his immortality?

By the time the computer reminded him that his quota of water would run out in five minutes, Kirk had reached a decision. He planned to visit McCoy and talk to him about his behavior on Flint's planet. Then he would talk to with his first officer. A simple apology wouldn't cover the way he'd rejected Spock's overtures of comfort. He'd made a real ass out of himself this time there was no one else to blame.

"Jim, what are you doing here? I thought you were sleeping." Doctor McCoy stood from behind his desk and met Kirk as he walked though the door. "Come on in. Care for a drink?"

"Thanks Bones, you've read my mind," Kirk answered, gratefully sinking into the chair next to the doctor's desk.

"Oh no, mind reading is Spock's department." I'm just a country doctor who appreciates the medicinal properties in a bottle of saurian brandy. Now, drink up."

Doctor McCoy passed a snifter full of amber liquid to Kirk and watched him swirl the contents slowly around in the glass. McCoy avoided drinking from his own glass to stay alert to Kirk's behavior. He knew that a tempest was brewing between Kirk and Spock and he suspected that the incident down on the planet had brought the true nature of their relationship closer to the surface.

"So, Bones, what are you doing up so late?"

McCoy shifted in his chair, crossing his legs. This was going to take some time. If Jim wanted to do this hard way, then he had all night. It was his duty to see to the physical and emotional health of his captain. But it was friendship that enabled him to put the clues together that would help lead Kirk to discover the answer himself. McCoy decided to offer the bait.

"Just finish up my report on Mister Flint's medical history. If he agrees, I'll publish his story. He's promised to keep in touch. Fascinating man, he said, glancing at Kirk, don't you think?"

"I agree, he is a fascinating man, Bones. If you can get him to give permission publish his story, it'd be a feather in your cap. And, I think outside contact will do Flint some good." Kirk took a long pull of brandy and into the depth of his drink he asked, "I wonder if he's ever come to terms with is isolation. What do you think, Bones?"

McCoy sipped at his brandy, the action helped hide the smile which threatened to disrupt his serious demeanor. It was a pleasure helping such an agreeable patient.

"Jim, I think it's only natural for you to identify with Flint. But I do think you're being a bit rough on yourself. Do you know why?"

Kirk shot the older man a look. He knew it was coming but McCoy's correct assessment startled him nonetheless.

"That's why I'm here, Doctor. You tell me."

Kirk stood and began pacing the confines of McCoy's office. The Doctor watched and waited for Kirk to find his own way to the light. His instinct provides him a clue about the source of that light, but he wasn't about to make it easier on Kirk by flipping the switch for him.

"I'm indulging in self-pity, is that it?"

McCoy smiled, but stayed silent.

"I've identified with Flint and now I'm feeling sorry for myself because sometimes I feel alone and isolated."

"Jim, did Spock stay after you fell asleep at your desk?"

"How did you know?"

"I walked in to give you the report on Flint, but you'd fallen asleep."

"Bones, he mind melded with me while I was asleep."

"He did? Don't tell him I said so, but I thought he was acting like a shelat with her cub. I felt he'd do something for you, if he could. What happened next?"

Kirk related the events leading up to his rejection of Spock.

"You threw him out of your quarters?"

"Yes," Kirk stopped pacing and sank back in a chair. McCoy refilled Kirk's glass and handed it back to the now brooding captain. McCoy moved out from behind his desk and sat down next to Kirk.

"Don't you think Spock's actions toward you were a bit unusual?"

"Well, yes. It is unusual for him to voluntarily make such an intimate gesture, even to me." Kirk eyed the doctor warily, "Bones, what's going on? Do you see it?"

This time it was the doctor's turn to pace. Kirk frowned in puzzlement at McCoy's action. He rose and followed the older man. Kirk pulled McCoy around to face him.

"What is it? Is something wrong with Spock?"

"Nothing is wrong, Jim. Except maybe to another Vulcan."

Kirk was glaring at McCoy from under a thundercloud of expression. Spock's recent behavior flashed in his mind. McCoy interrupted his thoughts.

"I've watched this coming for a while," he said, his eyes wide with emotion.

The storm surged.

"What?" Kirk retrieved his glass from the table and gulped a mouthful. The liquid ignited an emotional fire in Kirk. He stared at McCoy, as his emotions played tag with his heart. McCoy watched those expressions play themselves out on Kirk's handsome face. He saw the moment of certainty come, and with it, Kirk squared his shoulders.

"I have to see him, now."

"Of course and you'll know how to make it right with him."

Kirk continued staring at McCoy, as his hands gripped the doctor's forearms tightly. Suddenly a grin burst forth from Kirk.

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

"I"m nervous."

You're also blushing, Captain."

"The hell I am. I'm going to find Spock. Thanks, Bones."

For a moment they were still and McCoy turned his hands to grip Kirk's forearms return. With a squeeze, Kirk headed out of the office.

~oOo~

Spock glanced up from his reading at the sound of the door chime. Carefully closing the ancient leather-bound book, Spock called out a greeting. He knew who was at his cabin door. An application of elementary logic told him that for the last 2.5 hours Kirk had been 'talking things over' with the doctor. In that time period, Captain Kirk had come to the conclusion that confrontation was the only course of action available to him.

But Spock found himself unprepared for this audience with his captain. When Kirk entered, Spock chose to stay seated at his desk. A Vulcan would never admit to feeling apprehension, but that emotion kept Spock seated as his commanding officer entered his quarters.

Kirk stepped in, quickly searching the dimly lit room to find Spock. The human approached the desk as if it were a barrier between them. Their eyes locked. Minutes passed while Kirk appraised the man in front of him. A long time ago Spock had named him t'hy'la; friend and brother. Had the time come to explore a deeper meaning of the term? Kirk felt certain that it had. Facing the inscrutable Mister Spock, Kirk hesitated to broach the subject. Minutes ago in Doctor McCoy's office, it had seemed an easy task. His earlier determination failed and he reached for a neutral topic.

"What are you reading, Spock?"

Spock's stony expression changed with a fleeting glimpse of gratitude. He pushed the book to Kirk. Reaching across the table Kirk brushed his fingers across Spock's hand as he pulled the book to him. Kirk glanced at the spine: The Sonnets of William Shakespeare.

"Which one?"

Spock averted his eyes and started to rise from his chair, but Kirk blocked his escape. Spreading his fingers flat on the desk, Spock concentrated on controlling the human physical reactions his body was experiencing, His heart was full, a useless thing adrenaline. His mouth was dry. He turned his palms up; they were wet.

"Spock?"

"Forty-six," the words came out in a whisper but Kirk heart them. He turned to the sonnet and began to read to himself. After a moment he looked up from the page to quote aloud:

"'As thus; mine eye's due is thine outward part,

And my heart's right thine inward love of heart.'"

"Spock? Oh, Spock." Kirk stared at his friend. The implications of the sonnet's meaning confirmed in his mind what his heart already knew. But, what next?

Spock closed his eyes, rose from his chair and attempted to brush past Kirk. The sudden fear that Spock might walk away from this encounter forced him to speak and Kirk stopped him with a word.

"Wait."

Commander Spock and Captain Kirk stood still and silent, but close enough to hear each other's breathing.

"I owe you an apology."

"Attempting a meld without your permission was unforgivable. Your reaction understandable. It is I who owe you..."

Kirk grasped the blue uniform sleeve, encircling the forearm with his fingers. The right hand touched Spock's lips with a finger.

"I forgive you."

"I only wanted to ease your pain." The Vulcan reached up to touch Kirk's face. For them, time stood still as they acknowledged what the next moment would bring.

"Go ahead Spock, I want it... want you," Kirk whispered and closed his eyes. As Spock settled his right hand against Kirk's face he discovered the sharp stubble of whiskers under his fingers, the firm line of the captain's jaw and the fain scent of cologne mixed with the masculine odor that was uniquely Kirk. With a hand against Kirk's face, Spock pulled the human's head to his chest. Kirk sagged against him as the meld deepened.

Spock?

Yes, Jim.

Kirk chuckled and it spread through the meld like the ripples on a pound. I am overwhelmed.

Hold on to me, put your arms around me. I would enjoy the experienced.

Gratefully, willingly, Kirk wrapped his arms around the slim waist and opened himself fully to the thrust of Sock's mind.

Yes, Spock that's it! I didn't realize... Of course, you can keep me safe, here in your arms, protected and ... Kirk pulled slightly away to look into Spock's eyes. Spock almost smiled. Kirk didn't need seek verification with his eyes. All answers were in the meld. There would be much to teach this human.

"Yes, Jim, you know the answer. You've always known."

"Say it. Please?"

"You know I love you, Jim."

Kirk's emotions bubbled to the surface. tears stung he eyes and undeclared emotion obstructed this throat, he was indeed overwhelmed. Kirk, unable to speak, chose to express the inexpressible in human terms. He pulled Spock's head down and kissed his cheek, but it wasn't enough. The brief touch of his lips against the fever hot cheek only added fuel to his desire. Burning with hunger of unrequited passion, Kirk captured the Vulcan's lips with his own.

Spock's last bit of reserve was eliminated by Kirk's foraging mouth. Desire rose like a wave between them, buffeting their bodies with longing. Clinging to each other, they petted and kissed, pulling one against the other, seeking to merge their bodies.

Kirk had always envisioned himself a a man of action and power. But now, in the crushing strength of the Vulcan's arms he was subdued. Nothing in his experience had prepared him for the sensation of loss of self. Much to his surprise, he didn't fear it, nor did he fight it. As the two fed on the fire of their newborn passion, a vision of a new future bloomed within the meld. They would be united as one, unique, eager to learn and explore their newly created world.

Abruptly, the desk terminal signaled an incoming message. The whistle shattered the moment and wrenched the two men apart. Kirk nearly fell when Spock released him to answer the call. He staggered backwards, until his calves touch the bed, and watched in disbelief as the seemingly unperturbed Vulcan answered the page.

Kirk spread his hands out in front of his face, and found they were trembling. He wiped the sweat from his palms on the tops of his thighs. I could be out that door before he finishes the call, he thought. He tried asserting control over his racing heart and the ache in his arms and chest, it didn't work. Kirk stole a last minute look at the cabin door as Spock finished with his call.

Spock concluded the call from the biology lab by issuing the proper instructions to the technician on duty. When he turned, Spock found Kirk seated on the edge of the bed and the Vulcan opened his mouth to attempt an explanation. But his emotional confusion battled with his Vulcan austerity and he round he could not form a thought or compose a sentence.

Kirk continued to watch as the mask of formality dropped away from Spock. Although they were several feet apart now, Kirk became aware of Spock's growing anxiety.

"It's okay. I'm not prepared for this either," he said, gesturing to the two of them. "But, it feels good. It feels right. I don't know how else to explain it. Would you rather I left? I'll walk out that door and this never happened." He knew he wasn't leaving. His heart was too full and he still owed Spock an explanation.

"No!" Spock moved a step closer.

Kirk smiled at Spock's quick answer. He shook his head at his friend, "I never imagined the strength I would find in your embrace. I never imagined that I needed your kiss, until I kissed you. Now I want more. But first, I need to know, are you sure of what you want, my dearest friend?" Kirk's question brought Spock over to the bed. Their eyes sought contact, mirroring their mind's activity; questioning, seeking, testing.

Spock seated himself very close to Kirk. Turning slightly toward his captain, he cupped the handsome golden face in his hands.

"I wished for this moment many times, Jim. But just as often I dismissed the emotion as illogical. I no longer have to wish. You are here. 'Mine eye and heart need no longer be at war.'" Speck said, paraphrasing from the sonnet. He bent his head and gently kissed the human lips. It was a brief touch, but it brought a gasp from Kirk.

"My God, Spock, do you realized what you're doing to me, my unemotional Vulcan?"

"I am aware of your desire though the meld. To use your word, Jim, I too find it overwhelming. But together, Jim we will teach this Vulcan how to love."

Kirk grinned at the man's words, and with his hands, pressed Spock back onto the bed. Once more he plundered the warm pliant mouth beneath him.

Spock pushed his hands up through Kirk's hair and down over his shoulders, and squeezed the bunched muscles under his exploring hands. He followed Jim's techniques and returned the kiss, reveling in his growing abandonment.

"Jim."

Kirk raised his head, "Yes?"

"I want to see... touch...?" He looked away, finding it difficult to express his desire. Briefly, he pushed at Kirk's shoulders. But Kirk only held him tighter.

"Hey, wait a minute. You're not going anywhere."

"Jim, he implored, help me know what do do."

Kirk slowly pulled away from Spock and sat up on the edge of the bed. Deliberately removing his boots and socks, then standing to face Spock. The Vulcan levered himself up on the edge of the bed, helplessly watching Kirk.

With languid movements Kirk slipped out of his gold command tunic. But when he began unbuttoning his pants, Spock reached for him, grasping his hips and pulling the fabric tight against Kirk's buttocks. Spock slid his arms around Kirk's hips and buried his fact against the firm stomach. The skin was soft against his cheek and the downy hair tickled his nose. He breathed deeply, inhaling the human's scent, masculine and fragrant. Spock pulled Kirk closer, Now the human's erection pressed with unyielding against Spock's chest.

Kirk's breath became ragged and he groaned with desire when Spock slipped his right hand into the opening of Kirk's trousers. With little effort, Spock freed the rigid penis.

"Spock!" Kirk mindlessly pressed the other man's face face into his groin, knees began to quiver and the blood rushed through his body. He gripped Spock's shoulders, "I can't..." he whispered.

Yes, Jim, I understand. Spock pulled away and slipped the trousers down and off. They landed in an untidy pile on the other side of the room.

Then he quickly made Kirk change positions with him, until Spock was kneeling between his knees. Slowly, Spock bent over Kirk, intent on his prey.

Kirk sucked in a lung full of much needed air, "Take of off that damn uniform."

Together they pulled the shirt out of the way. Kirk leaned down and kissed Spock again. The irresistible tide of desire pulled at them. Abruptly, Spock pulled his mouth away from Kirk's. With their combined moister on his lips he engulfed Kirk's penis with his hot mouth. The sight of Spock's dark head bent over this lap unnerved him, he felt completely helpless and totally masculine.

"Oh, God, Spock. Stop. Please stop. I'm going to explode." Kirk framed Spock's head in his hands and pulled his face up. "Stop!"

The Vulcan responded with a quizzical eyebrow. Without releasing him, Kirk moved back on the bed. The two men stretched out of the narrow bunk, bodies touching, legs entwined, and hands exploring warm secret places.

"Yes Jim. Can we do that?"

Kirk smiled at Spock's growing excitement. "Yes, we can. Are you ready?"

"Yes."

Kirk felt a wave of desire from Spock through the meld. Before moving away, Kirk kissed Spock thoroughly, savoring the warm, metallic taste of his mouth.

Any hesitation he felt before now was gone. Spock's desire flooded his mind, each kiss, each caress, pushed him forward toward a deeper intimacy. With a reluctant last kiss, Kirk sat up and removed the remainder of Spock's uniform. Kirk stretched out, in the opposite direction, on the bed.

Spock reached for Kirk again, eager to reestablish the physical contact. But he paused as he felt a strain in the meld. Kirk hesitated and lay still for a moment.

_Is this not pleasing to you? We need not go on._

For a moment, Kirk was overcome by Spock's innocent gift of his body. He felt humbled by Spock's trust in him. He had placed himself in Kirk's care, with the certain knowledge that Kirk would lead him though this morass of human emotions and little understood passions.

Kirk spoke aloud. "No, Spock that isn't it at all. You're beautiful..."

Spock decided to go with his instincts and his instincts told him to keep going. He wrapped his arms around Kirk's legs and replied himself to the throbbing erection in front of him.

Spock sent encouragement through the meld. he allowed his love for Kirk and his desire for his body to washed over the human. J_im... love me. I want to feel your mouth on me._

Kirk was overcome with lust. He buried his face in Spock's groin and the smell of him flooded his senses. He groaned as he pushed his hips forward while grasping Spock's penis in his mouth. Joined in body and mind, they were complete. One entity pushing in unison, their mutual desire building to a crescendo of awakened needs and lust bathed with love.

Kirk's body built to its climax. Spock pushed against Kirk, with his arms locked around his legs. Kirk's entire reference was centered on his groin and the sensations Spock generating with his mouth and tongue. It was more than they could bear. but they couldn't bear to stop.

Simultaneously, they climaxed, straining one against the other, sharing their body's fluids. Until, each exhausted, they fell back. releasing each other, yet still united by the meld.

When Kirk felt he could move again, he poured each of them a glass of brandy. He drank from his glass as he crossed back to his first officer and sat close to him on the edge of the bed. Spock looked up at him with eyes filled with the trust of love and mutual fulfillment. The tousled dark hair and too large eyes melted Kirk's heart, and he found he could not speak.

Here, Spock.

Spock rose up on his elbow, accepting the drink from Kirk. He drank deeply from the glass and set it down on the bedside table. Spock reached up to touch Kirk's face.

"You're so tired. Lay down with me here and rest."

Kirk closed his eyes and signed in contentment. He caught the Vulcan's hand and kissed his palm. "Are you sure I won't be disturbing you?"

The Vulcan matched that smile and shook his head, "Disturb me? Jim what happened between us has disturbed me to the very foundations of my soul."

"You're not sorry?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Not sorry, free. I feel free, my t'hy'la. I now understand the full meaning of the endearment."

"I'm so glad." Kirk placed his empty glass on the table next to Spock's and laid down and rolled over on to his side toward Spock. Laughing he said, "You know, I've worried about you and your self-imposed isolation for a long time. But I never imaged I might be a part of the answer."

"You are all of the answer. Jim? I also need to hear those words from you. But if it is not yet time..."

"Shh, it is past time." he moved closer to Spock, draping his leg and arm over him, rising up to look into his eyes. For a moment, he simply stroked the dark hair back from the elegant ears. Spock watched him, waiting to hear words he had always dismissed as shallow and emotional.

Kirk's eyes were suddenly full and bright as he studied the Vulcan's face.

"I love you, Mister Spock. I'm head-over-heels, irretrievably in love with you."

Spock pulled Kirk's head down and kissed the mouth that had said those hoped for words. When he finally release him Kirk found a quizzical expression on Spock's face.

"What is it, Spock?"

"I am still willing to ease the memory of Rayna for you. If you think you need me to."

Kirk considered the offer a moment, just long enough for Spock to begin to experience a small flicker of doubt.

"Uh no, Spock. I don't think that will be necessary." I left that lonely young man behind tonight," he said, finding a comfortable spot on Spock's shoulder. "Now, go to sleep. If you keep asking me these silly questions, I"ll never get any rest."

In grateful response, Spock wrapped his arms around the human and soon Kirk was sleeping. Spock gazed at the fire pot, glowing in the darkness. Long ago, after winning a prestigious academic award, his mother had teasingly accused him of being smug. He wondered if the term applied to his current emotional state as well.


End file.
